Welcome all of you to the dismemberment of the College of Wooster Biology Department. I have chosen that word carefully because a department is like a body with various functional parts that work together to create a greater whole. Now we must pay witness as the four horses of opportunity; money, family, personal growth, and a generous leave program, tear us asunder like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, who is represented here.

I think as middle-aged bodies go we have worked well together. Through our mouths we have dispensed knowledge, advice, and hot humid air to better warm our students through the cold winter months. Through our collective ears we have listened to our students tell us why they wanted an extension. With our collective muscle we have pushed through a mountain of paperwork we call accountability. With our collective bellies we have eaten our way through a smorgasbord of job candidates who wanted to join our little body. And finally with our collective legs we have satisfactorily kicked a few straggling Seniors through the goal posts of a finished IS.

But as the horses pull, we must ultimately come apart. And our little friend Mel Gibson here will help me demonstrate that.

With a grunt the horses rip out Frank. I have chosen to represent Frank as our endocrine system, specifically the adrenal glands. Anyone who has seen him get vexed about a student’s casual attitude to responsible behavior will agree that he brings a passion to this profession that can inspire students to either stand and fight or flee screaming for their mother. As Frank leaves we are more empty of that fire.

With another grunt, Tom is plucked from our midst. To me Tom represents the hands; more specifically the blue hand of the correcting pencil. Many students have flocked to him to get the grammar lessons they never got from our beloved English department. Of course with the new W requirement that will all change since we all know education only occurs when it is articulated as a goal in a vision statement.

The horse of opportunity we call the generous leave program will pull another from us for next year as Lyn travels to Brazil to catch nuts from large trees. Or is it go nuts catching parts of large trees? Anyway she represents the legs. She travels the furthest for her research and will hopefully return. When she returns I am sure we will all be wearing name cards at our staff meetings.

With a quiet, Nordic type grunt the horses pull Jon away from our embrace. Jon represents our back since he gave us a much needed height advantage in the one-on-one game of education. He loomed over our students like a large lamp of wisdom with no dim bulbs but an annoying electrical buzz. Jon will be remembered as the quiet guy with the noisy research.

And finally Maggie is plucked from us. She has been the chair of the department and thus I think she represents the head. She has guided us through this year’s rocky waters and now she leaves us to be hired by Hiram. Most importantly she goes to work with her husband. Finally after all of these years of commuting they will get to hang out together more than most couples do. But I can’t help and be reminded of some of the strange tendencies of female spiders. I hope Sam should make sure that Maggie is well fed.

And well at the end of the year that leaves us with what remains of the Department for next year; Bill and I, like two cheeks on a mighty man’s butt. People always have said we are like two sides of the same coin and I imagine in more impassioned moments some may liken us to two sides of a generous rump. I guess this best represents us since we are sitting here until the cavalry, with Mike at the head, arrives for next year. Of course Barb and Karen will remain to clean up the bloody mess of our dismembered Mel Gibson. (As a footnote I wish to state that no overpaid entertainment icons were hurt during the creation of this show.)

So we that remain wish you all well and good luck with your new opportunities.