Bill Morgan enjoying a quiet moment in the Bahamas
 

Things got a little chaotic last year but we still managed to keep our humor. The following email was sent to Barbara Hetrick right before the start of the 2001-02 school year.

Dear Barb,
I regret to inform you that Bill and I have decided to chuck academia and start our own Biotech company engineering coffee beans to come in a variety of delicious flavors and colors (this research is being sponsored by M&Ms and Starbucks). We realize this may leave you in a lurch what with all of the changes afoot in our department but below I have outlined a few suggestions to help ease the transition.

Suggestions for the academic year 2001-02

The biology staff should wear name tags next year during all staff meetings until they are on a first name basis.

Students who watch the Discovery channel for 40 hours should receive credit for BIO210 (Organisms)

Students who recycle regularly should receive credit for BIO230 (Populations)

Students who properly spell deoxyribonucleic acid and know that it is not a new detergent additive should receive credit for BIO220 (Cells)

Students who work with a florist this summer should get credit for BIO333 Plant Biology. Those who grow pot in their rooms will receive additional credit in Horticulture (jointly offered through the OARDC)

Students who have pets which survive for the entire semester should receive credit for Natural History of the Vertebrates

Students who get sick and recover should receive credit for Microbiology; those who do not recover should receive an incomplete.

Students who can successfully find the six pack at the end of a large maze constructed on the football field in the Spring semester should receive credit for Neurobiology.

Students who get pregnant should receive credit for Human Genetics. Males who understand that they may have been responsible will receive Lab credit only.

Biology students who can name two biology faculty members next year should receive an S for their Senior IS. To receive a Good they must know four; to receive an Honors they must know four and been able to have 'live-trapped' one in a conversation.

I hope that helps. Bill and I will be reachable at the Bahamas 756-1453. Ask for the 'Cheek brothers'.

 

But wait the Saga continues

Barb's reply to both Bill and I received this automatic reply from Bill Morgan's computer:

This is an automatic reply. Bill Morgan is currently out of the lab vacationing in the Bahamas.
If you are inquiring about the current biology equipment sale, please view our Web site at http://www.bio_dept_for_sale.com . Among the items we are featuring are the following:

*Fully-stocked, OSHA-compliant chemical stockroom $125,000
*7500 sq. ft., 3-story classroom / laboratory / office building (hot water on 3rd floor not included) $4.3M
*Biology Faculty Member $9.99 (or best offer)
*Biology Dept. secretary Priceless

Cheek Brothers Ltd. appreciates your business. If you you are not fully satisfied, we'll fully refund your costs with an equal value of slightly used plastic petri dishes.
All sales are final. All funds must be drawn from a US bank and wire transferred to the First National Bank of the Bahamas.


Dean
Last updated September 3, 2001.