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Last week we attempted to heal old wounds by apologizing for past derogatory statements made by the leadership concerning headless bodies. Unfortunately, radical fundamentalists are bent upon the total destruction of the ruling elite. Just yesterday, an individual with several water balloons strapped to his waist was stopped just outside Mateer Hall. It won't be long before these radicals escalate their terror.
Our Minister of Outrageous Action, Jeff Roche, has responded by directing several
brightly colored VWs blaring loud music to surround the headquarters of the
suspected ringleaders of the most active terrorist cell. It is rumored that
the leaders of this radical cell are none other than Mr. Bill Morgan and Rev.
Linda Morgan-Clement (no relation), previously known as apologists for these
loonies. However, this has yet to be confirmed, although several suspicious
puddles of liquid have been found at Mr. Morgan's residence by undercover agents
posing as guests.
The Minister of Propaganda, Mr. Jim Warner, has dispatched famed international
negotiator, Jeff Lantis, to the scene to try and find a diplomatic solution.
Mr. Lantis said that peace is within our grasp if we just have the courage to
let bygones be bygones. He then launched into a stirring a capella rendition
of Elvis Costello's classic "What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?"
Amidst the cheers and a cry for Lynard Skynard's "Freebird", he planted a passionate kiss on his wife, mumbled something like "God, I love this job" and ducked into the awaiting plane. The Minister of Propaganda quickly held a press conference and said that Mr. Lantis was very enthusiastic about his new assignment, but that he was in charge and Mr. Lantis was only lip syncing the chorus anyway. He attempted to break into his own rendition of Elvis Presley's "Blue Suede Shoes" but tripped on a nonexistent microphone wire and fell off the podium. No one was seriously hurt, although Chevy Chase is reportedly claiming copy right infringement concerning this incident. There was no comment from the MOP who was tending to a bloody knee.
We hope to bring you more updates of this international crisis as time permits.
Tensions continue to rise in the area surrounding the Morgan compound. The brightly
colored VWs continue to blare N-SYNC and Ozzie Osbourne music around the clock,
but the radicals inside are a hardened lot; many can be seen gyrating in a weirdly
rhythmic fashion vaguely reminiscent of dancing.
The Minister of Outrageous Action has requested assistance from the Minister
of Deep Counseling, Head Counselor Mike Malmon-Berg. In response, Head Counselor
Malmon-Berg arrived with a large bat that he borrowed from the Cleveland Indians
(since they aren't using it currently). He was quoted as saying "It's time
for some counseling right up side the heads of these goonies". When he
was reminded that these individuals don't have any heads (except the two leaders),
he appeared dumb struck but then proceeded to threaten two stray cats that had
wandered onto the scene.
One of the radical leaders stuck her head out of the compound and accused the
surrounding forces of being an occupying aggressor in need of some serious anger
management skills. With that she popped her head back inside and then spritzed
a shook-up coke can out the window, clearly escalating the already unbearable
tension surrounding the compound.
Everyone was anxiously awaiting the appearance of the chief international negotiator,
Jeff Lantis. What will he do to defuse the tension?
To be continued......
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