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When last we left our story, Chief
International Negotiator, Jeff Lantis, flanked by the Minister of Propaganda
Jim Warner, the Minister of Finance and Other Casinos, Wayne Lash, and the Minister
of Orderly Events, Rujie Wang, was face to face with the two leaders of the
headless rebellion, Dr. Bill Morgan and Reverend Linda Morgan-Clement. A document
reputedly signed by Your Fearless Leader and proclaiming self-determination
for the headless was being looked over by the two rebel leaders very carefully.
"It says here that all headless persons will be granted the same rights as everyone else who is a member of the Volleyball consortium. That means anybody can play regardless of their cranial condition?" asked Linda.
"Yes," replied Jeff and Jim simultaneously. Jim turned and glared at Jeff through two narrow slits and smoothed out his tight rhinestone encrusted pants. He was getting very annoyed with this smartly dressed upstart. "Yes, and furthermore they will be eligible for the same childcare benefits that all members receive from the No Blood, No Problem Childcare Service operated by our Head Counselor," Jim added.
"And is it true that the Volleyball triumvirate will send financial aid to help develop the volleyball skills of all the headless?" asked Bill.
"6 to 12," reported Rujie Wang, nodding his head confidently.
"Weelll," said Wayne in a manner that implied there was more than one syllable in that word, "We propose to send volleyball peacekeepers to the headless community. Headless individuals who desire to improve their volleyball skills will be coached by Coach Nadia 'Give me a good bump, dang it!' Ksomethingorother. All money that falls on the court during play AND setup will go to pay for refreshments afterwards. This is truly a generous offer by our most enlightened cheapskate, YFL."
"Yippee! This is what we have been fighting for all these years! Recognition of our shared human condition, of our common history as we rose up from the depths of Jungle-ball to that pinnacle of imagined athletic perfection we now enjoy, of our mutual love of sweaty gym clothes, and of course the beer that cometh after!" exclaimed Linda.
All present immediately recited, “Usvba guides and we follow. May the roundball forever roll, the net forever divide, and the beer that unites always cometh after (whistle)*," Everyone looked at each other sheepishly when suddenly the MOP shouted "Group hug!" and lumbered towards Bill and Linda with his arms wide apart and a big grin on his face. When they backed away, Jim turned around and mumbled, "Well, it seemed like the right way to bring this silly episode to an end."
Rujie said, "It's 10 to 9." He seemed quite pleased with himself for no apparent reason.
"Actually the correct way to
end this would be for all present to sign this document and then go home,"
said CIN Jeff Lantis.
Jeff smoothed out the bill and signed it with such a flourish that John Hancock would have been envious. As it was, he just agitated the MOP, who selected a bright red fountain pen from his pocket to use for his signature. He signed his name as large as Jeff had, although not as neatly. The meaty part of his hand managed to smear the wet ink into a shape that made the Minister of Finance and Other Casinos blush. Everyone else squeezed their names into the remaining space at which point the Minister of Orderly Events announced, "The document has been signed by all 8 individuals present at this hour the square root of 6:78, September 14th, 1999part 2." He immediately rolled the bill up into a tight tube, pressed a chewed wad of pink bubblegum into it to hold it in place, and pressed his mysterious seal into the gum. With a fluorish, the Minister of Orderly Events then used a bright red ribbon to tie a beautiful bow around the bill and stuck it into his back pocket. Everyone seemed confused but were so excited at the prospect of getting on with their regular lives that they decided to just let it go.
As everyone left the compound, the Minister of Propaganda attempted to break into an a capella version of "What the World Needs Now" but since everyone was crowded around the CIN's Jet plane he decided not to even begin. CIN Jeff Lantis was enthralling all with a tale about how he had recently negotiated a peace treaty between a band of organized grannies and an agressive group of fifth graders from Philadelphia. Jim dejectedly grabbed his bag of sweaty gym clothes and decided that he would go for a long run, maybe to Boston and back. His large lumbering frame made a nice silhouette against the red setting sun, at least until he tripped on an imaginary tree root and fell into a massive pile of brush. He brushed off his skinned and bloody knees and labored on. It's a long way to Boston; plenty of time to think about how to get back into the limelight.
The End
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