Analysis, so don't expect any neat pictures.

The College of Morgan's recent invasion of Oberlin College has many asking "Why Oberlin and why now?" The College leadership has officially stated that it is to put down organized liberalism and force Oberlin to give up its weapons of mass disgust. However, cynics would have it that the recent budgetary crunch at COM is behind this unprecedented aggressive action. Indeed, it is no secret that Oberlin College has a rich endowment that could easily help the College of Morgan alleviate its budgetary shortfall. But perhaps there is something to all this talk of Oberlin College being a bastion of liberalness and fancy talk.

The College of Morgan's YFL, Dean Fraga, has this to say about Oberlin,

"They are liberal. Why even their own college catalog says it plain as day - Liberal Arts College. Liberals and artists! What could be more troublesome than that! Unemployed whiners is what they produce!"

When it was pointed out to YFL that the COM's own catalog proclaims it to be a Liberal Arts College as well, he simply muttered that it's a typo and decided to double the College's "W" requirement. But is it only an editorial accident that makes these two institutions seem so similar on the surface, yet worlds apart on issues of real substance like endowments and varsity win/loss records? Has Oberlin's frustration with its varsity teams resulted in a plot to create weapon's of mass disgust? If so, where are these weapons kept? To learn more we have asked Dr. William Morgan who, as you recall, threatened to use a weapon of mass disgust a few years ago in the famed Midwest Volleyball Conflict.

According to Dr. Morgan, weapons of mass disgust are quite easy to produce and quite dangerous when released. His own weapon, a leftover casserole of indeterminate age, was potent enough to make an entire bowling league sick for six days if smuggled into an awards banquet potluck. Fortunately, he disposed of his toxic creation by shipping it overseas. Dr. Morgan thinks that Oberlin Biology faculty are capable of creating a weapon of mass disgust that could be used as a means to incapacitate a varsity team prior to a big game or an invasion. He goes on to speculate that given Oberlin's recent sport's history, it is entirely possible that they are planning just such an action to establish supreme domination of the NCAC and beyond. Moreover, such weapons are easy to conceal once you have a tradition of fast food restaurants and very deep refrigerators. But have they really created such a weapon? We turn now to Chief International Negotiator Jeffrey Lantis.

CIN Jeffrey Lantis thinks that such speculation is dangerous and can lead to hasty conclusions that are unsupported by hard evidence. He states,

"The correct approach is to continue negotiations with Oberlin and establish trade relations in which we trade, say, two starting baseball players for a straight "A" student and two very bright history majors. It's by building a mutual co-dependence upon one another that we can ultimately build a strong, peaceful relationship of trust and goodwill."

At which point he was about to break into a song (People, who need people) as he is want to do but was cut off by a loud squeal from several international groupies speaking sloppy German but wearing neatly pressed, navy blue pantsuits. Seeing his potential peril he made a quick exit out a rear window, hopped into his idling dark green Jaguar convertible and sped away.

And so finally we turn to the Minster of Propaganda, Jim Warner, who, as you can imagine, has much to say but little to offer of real value. He does offers this closing thought,

"The time for action is now and we have the necessary muscle and bagpipes and the will to use both! There is a lot of speculation at the College of Morgan as to what Oberlin is up to. And we know that Oberlin is a lot smarter than us and they can imagine doing a lot more mean things to us than we can even imagine them doing to us so its really worse than we imagine! So lets go in there and stop all of their mean imaginings before it really gets out of hand and someone gets a headache or worse!"

Maybe in the end this unprecedented action is precisely that, action by people unwilling to think too hard or too long; victims of a short attention span, an overactive imagination, and a desire for simple solutions because the other ones take too long to explain.