COM invasion

Fearless leader claims "Talking is for fairies!" and launches pre-emptive strike on Liberal bastion

An elite band of Fighting Scots led a dawn raid on Oberlin College today that resulted in the capture of key strategic targets and the routing of Oberlin forces from the battlefield. The troops are shown wearing their favorite numbers in partial fulfillment of their Quantitative Reasoning requirement.

After threatening to do so for several months the College of Morgan has invaded Oberlin College in a pre-emptive strike just before dawn today. Your Fearless Leader issued a terse statement this morning that went something like this;

"This morning the College of Morgan football team was sent north into Oberlin to secure strategic locations including the Office of Admissions and The Development Office. We will tolerate their liberal attitudes and willful creation of weapons of mass disgust no longer. The time for action is now, and by golly we are gonna act now cause the time is now to do so. Talking is for fairies! Lets kick some liberal butt!"

However, many in the COM community think the real reason for the invasion is to distract the COM citizens from recent budget cuts and to take out a competitor for government grants, smart students, and a higher ranking in the US News and World Report rankings. They point to the first two occupied buildings as proof that the administration is not really interested in defeating liberalism since they would have attacked the English Department first. A protest for 4:00PM was being organized but was canceled since it was claimed that time would disenfranchise some protesters.

Early reports are that the ineffectual Oberlin sports teams put up little resistance but did manage to organize a withering barrage of witty insults and stiff paper airplane missiles that temporarily slowed the COM football team as they advanced screaming insults. However, the COM forces eventually realized that donning their helmets effectively stymied the Oberlin defense. Unfortunately one COM football player took his helmet off while in close proximity to a particularly witty Oberlin defender and suffered a severe headache and a mild case of self doubt. He is currently being treated with slogans and a steady dose of Aesop's Fables.

Your Fearless Leader is shown here prior to the Oberlin invasion as he rallies his troops with a gratuitous display of unquenchable ego but great tailoring. Many COM football player reportedly wept as YFL recounted his tale of how Oberlin denied him tenure on the grounds that he wasn't employed there.

Collateral damage has been held to a minimum through the use of really smart bombs that have a combined SAT score of just over 1350. These bombs questioned the legitimacy of this pre-emptive strike and refused to explode and many rolled around moaning about the inhumanity of it all. The inventors of the really smart bombs, Dr. William Morgan and the Reverend Linda Morgan Clement (no relation), have been summoned to the palace of YFL.

The president of Oberlin College is rumored to have gone into hiding and is attempting to rally his troops through a pledge drive. However, the Oberlin forces seem to be disorganized and dispirited by the sudden attack and as listless as the Democratic party. Many of the Oberlin patriots were particularly disappointed by the inability to obtain a mocha latte this morning due to the occupying forces. The effect upon the overall irritability of the Oberlin defenders is a question mark and may be a factor later in this unprecedented War Among the Private Liberal Arts Colleges (WAPLAC).

On the diplomatic front, Chief International Negotiator, Dr. Jeff Lantis, was unavailable for comment but was rumored to have opposed the action since it left him little opportunity for media coverage. His chief rival, The Minister of Propaganda, has been sighted at many media outlets offering his unsolicited insight into this affair and had this to say to fawning reporters, "Diplomacy has failed, nyah, nyah nana nyah. Talking with liberals is just counterproductive when alls you want to do is take their stuff and punch them in the nose. Who wants to talk about that? POW right in the kisser and that's it! God I love a belligerent Republican high on testosterone and loaded with high explosive weaponry."

In a bizarre turn of events the French proclaimed their support for this aggressive action claiming that it was an opportunity for both French Departments to assume their rightful place in the curriculums at both institutions in the form of a new "F" requirement. Rumor has it that with the French involved we may be seeing more of CIN Jeff Lantis who is known to favor the German language over French nasal exhalations.