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One novel solution to the current parking problem |
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I have a vision. It is flat with yellow circles radiating outward. As your benevolent dictator I have been thinking about how I can get you to be more productive for me. After all, this is about me and who better to think about me than... well,...me. I am as always inspired by your collective performances on the court but there are ways I see that I can motivate some of you to perform at a higher level for our collective enjoyment and solve a pressing problem on campus. I see motivation in the form of better PARKING. |
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As we all know there is a swirling controversy about parking on campus; where do we park, how far do I have to walk, why do birds poop on my car, is whatever is infecting Morgan’s blue Neon catching, and so forth. All very important issues and I figured if is worth wasting your time once on campus than it is even more worthy to waste your time twice with it! My visionary plan is to flatten everything around the PEC in a 2 block radius and put in a large circular parking lot. As Carol King said it so well “They paved paradise and put in a parking lot and made it better (acoustic guitar twang)”. This brilliant vision came to me after I had read yet another long diatribe about people having to park 1, 2, maybe 3 blocks from their work place. The inhumanity of it all humbled me and I knew I must come up with a plan that would give this issue the importance it deserved. After we had paved the surrounding unproductive squirrel communities and unedible flower beds and other useless plant life, we could paint concentric yellow rings around the PEC. And that is the key to this visionary plan because you see the beauty of this plan is that you could only park as close as your status in the VB-collective would allow you. And your status in the VB-collective would of course be determined by a secret ballot with YFL and a handpicked advisory board deciding your fate. This system would be one prone to corruption, such as the proliferation of elaborate and expensive bribes, to provide one useful example, but this is not its only appealing feature. It also provides a convenient way to motivate players who have performed at sub-par levels. For example, players who squander beautiful sets by launching the ball into the next gym could be threatened with demotion to one of the “outer circles” (perhaps to chase their ball). Parking far away from the PEC (as far as 2 blocks!) would provide for additional exercise that might improve their game over time. Thus this is a compassionate system in that it allows the individual to improve through punishment. The symmetry of all of this makes me think that I am but one small niggling detail short of a grand unified theory for physics and sociology. I know the prospect of implementing this bold new plan has many of you experiencing emotions you thought you had outgrown, but I beg your patience as we locate a bulldozer and about 30 football fields of asphalt. “Progress through universal parking” is our new motto here in command central. As always I remain your not-so-humble leader.
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Last updated September 26, 2001. |