NEWS FLASH:
Love Poetry Contest in Classics
From staff reports
WOOSTER, OH - Despite the scandals surrounding the last contest, the
Classical Studies department at The College of Wooster has decided to
launch another Greek and Latin Poetry competition.
The Love Poetry Contest will accept entries until Friday, February 11.
The prizes, consisting of appropriate candy, and of course, eternal
fame, will be distributed on February 14.
“We decided to go with a seasonal theme this time,” remarked Rachel
Sternberg, the department chair. “We’re hoping that the web traffic
and press attention will clear up a bit more quickly that way.”
In December the world-renowned “This Little Piggy Contest” came to an
exciting close when a student, Tara Thompson, defeated professorial
contenders.
The contest had received huge amounts of attention. According to
Google Researches, in 2004 the “This Little Piggy Contest Website” was
one of the most popular web sites in America, placing second after
“American Idol.”
Contest paraphernalia included pig toys programmed to help writers
formulate their Greek and Latin poetry into correct dactylic
hexameters, as well as goodies like “This Little Piggy Sparkling Body
Wash” and T-shirts printed with Oscula Me, Graece Loquor [“Kiss me, I
speak Greek”] quickly sold out.
It is unclear whether the T-shirt is a translation from English or
from Greek.
“The fuss was exhausting,” Sternberg reported. “And then I had to deal
with my two bitterly disappointed colleagues.”
Professors Edith Foster and Matthew McGowan, who had both submitted
poems, lost the contest when Ms. Thompson, a sophomore, submitted an
entry in both Greek and Latin. Neither Foster nor McGowan had thought
to include both languages, and so had to cede the laurels of victory.
“Sic fugit gloria mundi,” [thus worldly glory flees away] commented
McGowan.
“Numquam cedam!” [I’ll never give up] exclaimed Foster. But Foster’s
tenacity seems ill-advised. The announcement of the Love Poetry Contest
includes the warning that professorial contributions will be considered
with a wary eye.
“We had enough trouble with Foster and McGowan last term,” said
Sternberg. “This spring, we’d prefer to have a somewhat quieter
semester.”
“Vae Victis!” [Woe to the conquered!] Foster lamented. “We lost, and
now they want to shut us out entirely! Aeneas lost Troy. What if he had
let that get him down? The Romans lost the battle of Cannae. What if
they hadn’t kept fighting? It just doesn’t seem right to roll over and
quit.”
[MANY THANKS TO EDITH FOSTER FOR THIS NEWS FLASH]