Making Matches

An interview with housing director David Brown

continued …

We are often asked why we would build a new dorm, Bornhuetter Hall, with all doubles. We needed to add rooms for students who aren’t interested in theme housing. But also, as a residential college, we need to continue the philosophy that the living experience is an important developmental learning experience that builds such skills as communication and negotiation.

The single rooms, wherever they are, are the most popular rooms on campus. We’ve done a good job this year ensuring that seniors and students with medical needs get the singles.

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We train our staff on the group development model. The first stage is "forming" — all is bliss, the honeymoon period. All the similarities are emphasized – "Oh my god, you’ve been to Florida too? You like this band too?" We tell our RAs to encourage this so that the residents develop a desire to get along.

The second stage is "storming." After a few weeks, the differences between roommates become obstacles and roommates’ discomfort with one another develops into conflict. Then comes "norming." This is the agreement-setting process. Roommates have to establish things like, "I won’t use your toothbrush, I won’t turn the big light on when I come in late."

The last stage is "performing." If the roommates spend some time and energy with their agreement-setting process, they will likely begin to see that they can succeed as roommates, given their reasonable expectations. You know that roommates have made it to this point when they take telephone messages for one another, take turns taking out the trash, and talk through the smaller issues as they go.

The same model is true for whole floor communities. The storming starts when the music is too loud, or the bathroom’s a mess.

Some assumptions are created during the forming stage, like "You can use all my stuff. You can have all your friends over." Very often those assumptions crumble when it comes time for midterms and other pressures take over.

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Once we had two cousins request one another as roommates. Then I got phone calls from the parents, aunts, and uncles, saying Cousin A doesn’t really want to live with Cousin B. So we negotiated with the parents.

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We prefer to work with students rather than with their relatives. Even though the parents usually want to do all the talking. We ask, "Has the student talked with his roommate?" And the parent will say, "Well, I don’t know – honey, have you talked with so-and-so?"

Our role is becoming more important as people communicate less face to face. The Internet and such things create these technological cocoons. People need to learn how to meet their needs without infringing on other people –how to get enough sleep without needing to scream at your roommate or becoming passive-aggressive.

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Often, the roommate issue is secondary to failing class, parents divorcing, gaining twenty pounds. But the roommate issue is a handy one to attack, even for parents. Parents get the extreme versions. They’ve heard the horror stories, but they haven’t considered the other side. We hear lots of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde stories. We have to look for what’s really going on.

"Roommate from hell." If I only had a dollar for every time I hear somebody tell me that’s what they have.

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We love interacting with seniors who have weathered the developmental storm. These students come out more mature, more grounded, more well-rounded. Most often, they will tell you that while their roommate relationships were bumpy at times, they learned a lot about life along the way.

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Got questions? The residential life Web pages, http://www.wooster.edu/reslife/, offer lots of detailed information. Or e-mail David Brown at dmbrown@wooster.edu.

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