Love and Little White Lies

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, husbands, wives, boyfriends, and girlfriends will be doing their best to make the people they care about feel good about themselves - even if it means telling a few little white lies.

For example, when a woman asks her husband if she looks heavier than the year before, he might respond by saying, "Honey, you look as good as the day I met you." When a man asks his wife if he is looking older, she might say, "You never looked so handsome."

Altruistic white lies - deceptive messages that are intended to avoid hurting another's feelings or self esteem - are quite common in our culture. But Mary Kaplar, visiting assistant professor of psychology at The College of Wooster, warns that they may be more damaging than carefully chosen words of truth.

Her study of both the senders and receivers of altruistic white lies indicates that such messages may feel good initially, but could potentially threaten trust in a relationship if they are later discovered to be untrue.

"The truth is that lying, even if it is well-intentioned and seemingly innocent, can do more harm than good," says Kaplar. "Truth is essential to relationship building, especially in the early stages. If you're not honest, your partner will probably pick up on it anyway, so tell the truth in a way that is tactful and considerate. Take the other person's feelings into account and be careful how you deliver the message."

But, advises Kaplar, it never hurts to include roses, chocolates, or even diamonds - especially this time of year!